Woman who my husband had an affair with continues to contact him

Dear Loveawake: I'm seeking some advice on how to handle a post-affair problem. My husband cheated last year with a woman he employed in his office. To cut a long story short, she got another job in another state on his advice and moved away. It was at this point our relationship hit rock bottom. Not long after her move, he began to contact her again. Then he told me he had no feelings for me anymore. We separated for three months and it was during this separation that he decided that our relationship meant so much more to him and cut off all contact with this woman. Now, we're back together and working on ourselves individually and on our relationship together. So things are good and we are committed to staying together and being happy together. Our sex life is back and things should be rosy. My problem is that this woman continues to try to make contact, the latest being a birthday card to my husband just last month. My take on it all was that this woman could send him a card every day if she's stupid enough; it would be whether he responded to her that would bother me. I remind myself that she is living hundreds of miles away with no chance of seeing him. However, on speaking to our counselor about this, her advice was that my husband has obviously not made his situation clear enough to this woman and that I should be questioning why he has left this avenue open to her. I should be questioning whether he really has ended things properly. So, a can of worms has been opened and it is now feeding my insecurity. I have spoken to my husband about this and how it has made me feel and he has reassured me he is ignoring any contact she attempts to make. I know he is the type of person who likes to please, so I imagine he would have let this other woman down as gently as possible. I do believe him when he says it is over and he is ignoring her. I guess I'd like another viewpoint and maybe a suggestion as to how to handle this. - Natalie

Dear Natalie: Most women would not try and make contact with a married man unless they have not shut the door completely. When a man ends an affair, he may say something vague like, "Right now, we need to cool things," or "I'm going to stay married, but who knows if it will work?" or "I think for now, we should try and stay away from each other." In his mind, he is ending it, but not with the conviction and decisiveness that other woman must hear, if she is to believe what he is saying. Ask your husband to return the card with a note that he writes in front of you saying, "As I told you, I am committed to my marriage and would appreciate it if you would not send me any more emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Our affair is over and I do not wish to hurt my wife anymore than I already have. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you as well but I hope you will respect my request." Then YOU mail the letter. If he refuses, then he is saying that her feelings are more important than yours and he wants to keep the door open. Many people don't realize that an on-going affair means that there was an emotional connection as well. So, long after the physical affair stops, they may still keep up the emotional connection they have. There are secret phone calls and emails wanting to know how the other person is doing and how much they are missed. This is still cheating you out of the exclusive physical and emotional connection the two of you must have if you are going to make your marriage work. You will know by the reaction you get from him, once you make the above request, whether he really has made a complete and honest break. A man, who is truly sorry, will do everything in the world to protect your feelings and prove that this other woman no longer means anything to him. If that means returning the card in front of you, he'll do it. Your husband should be saying, "If it takes me the rest of my life to prove my love to you, I am prepared to do that."

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